Happy New Year, you party animals...

What a year it has been... I got laid off from a career-defining dream job (company went under), had a beautiful sweet baby, took care of said baby on my own for two of his first four months (and loved almost every minute of it, actually), and moved away to a cold, strange place I'd seen just once, passing through, five years ago. How appropriate that as this year closes, our California house is still in escrow -- I'm crossing my fingers that I won't have to make the January payment -- and most of our stuff is still in boxes, in my father-in-law's basement and garage, while we camp out in his house and try to figure out what the heck to do next.

I miss my house terribly. I miss sitting by our white stone fireplace, with the cat warming herself next to me, listening to the birds chatter outside and watching the sun slip across the oak parquet floor we restored. I miss the "secret garden" I created outside my office window, with all its ferns and jasmine and hummingbirds. I miss Lazarus' bright, happy nursery that we created, with my parents' help, from a dingy dark closet that had a boarded-up window. I miss my gardens -- more weeds than anything this past year, but still beckoning, full of promise for next season. And I miss having our friends over, hanging out in the living room or outside around the firepit where we'd talk story and bang on drums and sometimes sit silently for a moment, enjoying the fire and each other's presence.

I miss having a space that's mine and that I really care about.

I'll get to the bright side of things tomorrow...

..."It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes or bags!"...

But they sure are fun in the right hands...

...
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!...
--Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas

I've read and seen this story how many times, and I still get teary-eyed when all the Whos down in Who-ville join hands and start singing simply because it's Christmas... I read this story to Lazarus over the past few nights and he just watched me intently as I read. Usually he fidgets after a few minutes of me reading, but something about Dr. Seuss seems to calm him. Or my tone of voice, or whatever.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night...

My quick tears kill'd the flower, my ravings hush'd
The bird, and lost in utter grief I fail'd
To send my life thro' olive-yard and vine
And golden grain, my gift to helpless man.
Rain-rotten died the wheat, the barley-spears
Were hollow-husk'd, the leaf fell, and the sun,
Pale at my grief, drew down before his time...
--Tennyson, "Demeter and Persephone"

I've always greeted the winter solstice with mixed emotions, mostly on the blue side (that whole seasonal affective thing) but also thankful that the days will now start getting longer, however slowly. I remember, years ago, reading about Persephone and feeling a strange mixture of grief -- that what I was feeling was fairly universal, and would probably recur every year of my life -- and relief, that spring would also recur every year of my life.

Now that I'm back in the land of Real Winters, I again feel that "hollow-husk'd" fatigue of body and spirit... sometimes. It's nothing like before, though, since this creature

graced my life... I have to smile when a 21-pound, two-and-a-half-foot tall bundle of happy energy in nuthin' but a diaper lets out a belly laugh and reaches for me...

oh, ma...

did you really put a picture of me in my diaper on the frickin' Internet??? Geez.

Good news: I'm actually getting Christmas cards out this year -- the first time in two years... Bad news: I haven't gotten Christmas pictures of Lazarus to enclose with them. But at least the people we care about will have some notion of where we are now.

I'm still looking for my "real" camera (hence no Laz pix for print), but in the meantime, here's a little holiday cheer from the lil' guy:

So this being a soapbox and all, it's time for me to rant: When I read about the Bush administration sealing autism records and shielding Eli Lilly from lawsuits related to possible vaccination-related autism, I felt both outraged and scared. Outraged that they can get away with this, and scared because they must know something is up if they're going to all this trouble. I've had my doubts about whether vaccinations (via the mercury-containing thimerosal used to preserve the vaccines) had anything to do with autism, but now that I'm reading more about it, and especially now that I see people in power going to all this trouble, those doubts are fading fast.

I am slightly heartened to see mainstream media paying this some attention -- CBS, for example, in "To Vaccinate or Not," discussed the issue without dismissing non-vaccinators as irresponsible fringe dwellers. This issue might fade out, like most do, from public discussion... we can only hope the medical community is actually taking it seriously, discussing and studying it (using non-drug-company funds). In the meantime, having just gotten Lazarus his 6-month shots and then tended to a pretty sick baby for five days, I'm seriously reconsidering whether to continue with the vaccinations. Pharmaceutical drugs are big business, and thorough research cuts into profits. Sealing autism records? Shielding drug co's from future litigation? Sure smells like an attempt to bury evidence of problems whose source some researchers, not to mention families of the affected children, have suspected for a long, long time. We're not even guinea pigs -- no one in power wants anyone to see the results of this ongoing "experiment." And if vaccinations aren't the only culprit, we won't know that, either, because we don't have access to all the information and therefore can't make truly informed decisions.

This is why I care:

It's not the only reason, but I really get it now.

I'm back. I am shocked that I still have most of my previous posts (yep, mom, they're here!); my ISP lost my Web site last month and I was sure all my blogger archives were gone since I'd migrated the blog to my own site. Nope, I guess Blogger keeps entries on their own servers, too, so let me give them a big *mwah*... now to find a new ISP...

We're adjusting pretty well to Denver -- Lazarus has been pretty sick for the past five days or so, but seems to be getting better except for a hoarse voice and barky cough. He's definitely almost all the way back to being happy, thank God. On Monday and Tuesday my heart was just breaking both because he was so sick and unhappy and because I missed my sunny lil' guy.

So most everyone has already seen this picture, but I'll put it up again: a pumpkin for my pumpkin...

Hey ma, what's this I'm eating?

It's... PUMPKIN? You killed it???

Laz and I went on a lunch date a while back, and the waitress gave him a balloon. He loved it.

Now, most of our stuff is still in boxes (why unpack when we'll surely be packing up and moving again???), so we haven't found Laz's lil' cowboy hat yet. But Pop's fits pretty well. Well, howdy! Now, I'm the sheriff round these parts, so you watch your step, hear?

I got some new photos yesterday and will get those up as soon as I've finished my latest work project, which isn't officially late yet but will be soon. Good mama, bad freelancer.