The Foot Bone's Connected to the... Oops.

Dear Anna,

We appreciate that you let us stay bare much of the time, that we can feel the sun and the dry air. If, however, you plan to move rocks -- nay, boulders -- please. put. on. real. shoes. Flip-flops are not acceptable shoes here in rattlesnake/scorpion/giant centipede country, period, let alone for moving massively heavy objects. We don't appreciate being crushed, stubbed, or otherwise mauled when the boulders go astray, as they will do after a long day of your relentless efforts (would you just give it up already and live with the dirt, or put in a lawn or something?), and if you're going to refuse us fair cover or an evening of rest on your plush footstool, understand that our throbbing pain will wake you up in the middle of the night.

Please, we don't want to see anymore boulders hurtling toward us. You have shoes. Use them tomorrow and you can sleep tomorrow night. Don't use them, and you can kiss your gardening days goodbye for a month or two.

Sincerely,
Your Bare Brokendown Feet

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Dear Anna,

We continue to enjoy these well-aired, no-sweat, fungus-free summer days, and we commend you for ceasing the boulder-moving operations until you can find your left boot. We would, however, like to bring to your attention the hazards involved in sawing large limbs off the several elms that you deem to be partially blocking your garden from essential mid-day sunlight. Granted, we feet are mere props in such an operation -- until you start climbing said trees to get at that one pesky limb hanging over your precious heirloom tomatoes, or tromping over the downed limbs to start hacking away at another one.

Lumberjacks, even pretend ones, wear boots. Not flip-flops. As previously mentioned, flip-flops are not regulation gardening attire, even less so considering that you're hardly "gardening" on these days of unbridled landscape alteration. When will it end?

Consider this your final warning.

Sincerely,
Your Still-Bare Too-Many-Close-Calls Aching Feet

P.S. - Your aching, half-locked-up elbows work for us now.

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Dear Feet:

I am in receipt of your letter dated 13 June 2005. I appreciate your concerns and will take them under advisement. Please be assured that I remain dedicated to your well-being and am honored by your tireless service.

Best regards,

Anna

P.S. -- I signed you up for a special new service, which you can access by clicking the link below -- enjoy!